Eth Armxit: Scrambled
by wh1te rabb1t 01
Summary: COMPLETE!!! The Matrix Parody! Will Neo beat Smith? Can Trinity stop Neo from leaving the Matrix? And what about the poor, unimportant Agents??? 9TH CHAPTER LOADED
1. Finite the Stalker

** Eth Armxit:**

** Scrambled**

**Chapter One: Finite the Stalker**

(the green Matrix code scrolls down the screen, and rushes to a close up of a computer screen displaying a naked Agent Smith.)

Architect: Shit! Are we starting?

(the screen switches to a program tracing a phone call)

(cut to a room)

(a young woman is sitting in front of a small computer screen displaying a picture of naked Smith. She clicks and it changes just as the camera points away from her. The phone rings, and she answers.)

Finite: Pizza Hut.

Gopher: Huh?

Finite: Just kidding? What's up?

Gopher: Just checking in. It's my turn to watch him.

Finite: No, dammit! He's just about to change…I mean _I_ was just about to change…my…clothes.

Gopher: I think you like him. You like watching him.

Finite: I do.

Gopher: Oh, I'll leave you to it. By the way, maybe we should check out that "One" guy Morphbus keeps mentioning.

Finite: I'd rather watch Smith.

(cut to outside the building.)

Agent Kiss: What's up?

Police Dude: We sent a whole squad after her.

Agent Kiss: Dammit, I told you to wait!

Police Dude: She's just one girl. Surely a squad is enough to handle her.

Agent Kiss: It's likely your men are already dead. Then again, I could be wrong.

(cut back to Finite's room)

(policemen burst in through the door and point their guns at Finite.)

First Police Guy: Hands up! Move away from the computer!

Finite: No.

Second Police Guy: Damn! What should we do?

(Finite jumps up from the chair and lands in front of the First Police Guy. Two stage hands rush in and attach wires to her shoulders, and there is an audible 'crick' as she is hoisted to hang in front of Second Police Guy. She hangs there for three minutes.)

Second Police Guy: Psst! You're supposed to kick me now!

Finite: That's right…

(kicks him)

Finite: Damn! I'm stuck on this thing! (wriggles trying to dislodge herself from wires) Help!

First Police Guy: Okay…

(Agent Kiss walks in.)

Finite: Oh shit! An Agent!

Kiss: The audience isn't supposed to know that!

Finite: Bye…

(Finite runs out of room past Kiss. He stares after her for a second and then sits down at the computer, pressing the 'back' button and admiring the picture of Smith.)

(Finite runs up onto the roof, jumps over, dives through a window and lands in a bathtub with an old lady.)

Old Lady: Ah!! (smacks Finite with handbag)

Finite: Die, bitch! (shoots Old Lady)

(she opens the bathroom door and dives down the stairs, pointing both her guns back at the bathroom. The Old Lady comes staggering out, bullet hole in her side. Finite opens fire with her two pistols, annihilating the old coot.)

Finite (into cell phone): Crank! Get me out of here!

Crank: See the phone to your left?

Finite: No!

Crank: Go there.

(phone begins to ring. A garbage truck pulls up on the other side of the street and revs its engine.)

Finite (into phone): No, I'm not Stu. You're in the wrong movie.

Psycho Sniper: Sorry.

(Finite taps foot impatiently, waiting for phone to ring. From across street, Kiss sticks his head out of the garbage truck.)

Kiss: Hurry up! I'm waiting to create suspense here!

(phone rings, Finite picks it up)

Finite: Hello? (her body fades out minutes before the garbage truck crashes into the phone booth)

Psycho Sniper Guy: Hey! I needed that! Damn it!


	2. A Day in the Life of a Hacker

**Chapter Two: A Day in the Life of a Hacker**

(Peo is slumped over the keyboard of a computer screen displaying a WarCraft III game, The One versus SmithPorn57. Smith is winning.)

Computer: Wake up, Peo…

(Peo wakes up and looks at the computer screen.)

Computer: The Matrix has you…

(Peo rubs his eyes and grabs a tube from his bed. He opens the cap and empties the bottle into his mouth.)

Peo: Ah, aspirin, every hacker's best friend.

Computer: Knock, knock, Neo.

(there is a knock at the door.)

Landlord: That's it! I'm so sick of you! Now your damn computer's talking! Your five months behind the rent! You're outta here!"

Peo: You can't kick me out! I'm the One!

Landlord: Watch me!

Peo: Never!

(cut to outside.)

(Peo is sitting on the ground crying.)

Peo: I can't believe my own mother would kick me out…

Mailman: You Peo Handerson?

Peo: Yes.

Mailman: Here (hands him a package).

(Peo opens the package to find a black cell phone. He stares at it and it suddenly rings. He answers.)

Peo: Hello?

Mysterious Voice: You know who this is.

Peo: Morphbus?

Mysterious Voice: No, dumbass! It's your boss! You're late for work again!

Peo: Shit! (runs to car, not noticing the three identical people standing across the street from him watching his every move.)

First Identical Person: There he goes…

Second Identical Person: There he goes again…

Third Identical Person: Racing through my brain…

(cut to Peo's work cubicle)

Mailman: Mister Handerson?

Peo: Yes?

Mailman: Package (throws it in his face).

(Peo opens the package to find a black cell phone. He stares at it and it suddenly rings. He answers.)

Peo: Hello?

Mysterious Voice: You know who this is.

Peo: Boss?

Mysterious Voice: No, dumbass! It's Morphbus!

Peo: Oh, sorry (gulps down another aspirin).

Morphbus: I have called you because I know you are searching…searching for an answer. You know the question.

Peo: Is this "Jeopardy"? I love games!

Morphbus: NO! PAY ATTENTION! The question is "What is the Matrix?"

Peo (unconvincingly): I knew that…

Morphbus: Anyway, I have things to show you. I'm not sure you're ready to see them, but-

Peo: Then why the hell would you unplug me?

Morphbus: -I'm afraid we have run out of time. They're coming for you, Peo, and I don't know what they want.

Peo: Who?

Morphbus: The Agents…

(Peo stands up. At the front of the office, he sees the Three Identical People talking to a guard, who points to Peo's cubicle.)

Peo: What do they want with me?

Morphbus: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I ALREADY SAID THAT!!!!!

Peo: Well, _sorry…_God.

Morphbus: I can help you escape, but…

(Agent Kiss enters the cubicle and points his gun at Peo. He grabs the phone and speaks into it.)

Kiss: Morphbus? 

Morphbus: No speaky English!! No comprendo, senor! Hablo French! (hangs up).

Kiss: Well, Mister Handerson, you have quite a file here.

Peo: Where?

(Kiss looks around)

Kiss: Wrong scene…

(cut to interrogation room)

Kiss (displaying file): Well, Mister Handerson-

Peo (mimicking voice): You have quite a file here.

Kiss: Do not play with me, Mister Handerson.

Peo: I'm sure you do a fine job of that yourself.

Kiss: Grr…

Agent Not Important: Heh heh heh.

(Kiss blows his head off. There is a sucking sound and Not Important walks back into the room).

Agent Slightly More Important But Still Not Important: Treated!

Kiss: Anyway, Peo, I need your help. I need to catch the porn star-I mean; I need to catch the _terrorist _Morphbus. I want you to help me.

Peo: Tell you what. How about I give you a flipper (pauses).

(Agents stare at Peo. There is silence for about a minute, and then Peo flicks Kiss off.)

Peo: And leave.

Kiss: How about not?

(Not Important and Slightly More Important But Still Not Important grab Peo and hold him down. Kiss takes reaches into his pocket and takes out a dildo. He winces and puts it back, and then takes out a worm-like creature. Kiss drops it on the ground, swears, picks it back up and drops it onto Peo. The worm creature climbs inside him through his belly button.)

(cut to a dark alleyway)

(Peo wakes inside a box, a homeless man sleeping next to him. The sheets are soaked with piss.)

Peo: It was all just a dream…

(the homeless man roles over, revealing Slightly More Important But Still Not Important.)

Slightly More Important But Still Not Important: No it wasn't.

Peo: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Kamikaze Mirrors

**Chapter Three: Kamikaze Mirrors**

(Peo is standing by the side of a road, sticking his thumb up as cars pass by. The rain is poring down. A long, black limo pulls up beside Peo, and the driver sticks his head out.)

Kiss: Need a ride?

Peo: Sure. Adams Street bridge.

(Peo climbs in the car and it roars off. They reach the bridge and Peo gets out of the car.)

Peo: Thanks!

Kiss: No problem. See you later!

(another limo pulls up. The door opens and a gun is thrust into Peo's face.)

Finite: Get in, Peo.

Peo: How do you know my name?

Finite: Uh…I know many things. I'm _not_ a stalker.

(Peo enters the limo and is thrust down. Finite holds him while a women dressed in all white leans over the back seat and puts a contraption on top of Peo. They suck out the wormy thingy. The car continues driving and arrives at a large building. The three walk upstairs.)

Finite: One word of advice, don't lie. He will know.

Peo: How?

Finite: We have you hooked up to a lie detector. See that little black box there? That's it. And don't try to destroy it, it isn't real.

Peo: What? I see it right there! How the hell can it not be real?

Finite: Nevermind…

(they enter the room. A black man wearing a trenchcoat and glasses is sitting in a red armchair. Seeing Peo, he rises to greet him.)

Morphbus: 'Sup, gee?

Peo: Hello…

Morphbus: So, you here to find out what the 'Matrix' is. Unfortunately, you cannot be told what the Matrix is-

Peo: Oh, I'll go then. (begins to leave)

Morphbus: SIT DOWN! Anyway, you cannot be told what the Matrix is, fool, you must be _shown_.

Peo: Why don't you try anyway?

Morphbus: Fine. The Matrix is a prison. A prison you cannot touch, see, or hear. A prison for your mind.

Peo: See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?

Morphbus…Anyway, you now must make a choice. There are two pills.

(Morphbus holds out a red pill and a blue pill.)

Morphbus: Take the coke…blue pill, you'll wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. Take the red pill, and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Peo: That sounded vaguely perverted…I better take the blue pill.

Morphbus: No, dammit! Take the red pill! (pulls a gun)

Peo…Okay… (takes red pill).

Morphbus: Good choice.

(everyone looks around as if to say "whatever.")

Morphbus: Dis the rest of my crew. Dey my homies. This rodent-like man is Louse-

Louse: Hiya!

Morphbus: -the man talking to Agent Kiss in the corner is Gopher-

Gopher: Hey.

Morphbus: -and the white supremacist woman over there is Bitch.

Bitch: Ignore Morphbus; he's bitter because I stole a pound of his…blue pills.

Morphbus: Sit the fuck down, Peo.

Peo: I AM SITTING DOWN YOU CRACKHEAD!!!

Morphbus: I know that…Just testing you. Bitch, get his location.

(Bitch begins typing frantically into the computer. Peo looks over into a mirror, and, as he looks at it, a large crack appears in it.)

Mirror: Oh my God! It's horrible! Keep it away!

Peo: _What the hell?_

Finite: Morphbus forgot to mention…the 'pills' give you 'visions.'

Mirror: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

(the mirror turns into a silvery liquid and begins attacking Peo's arm. It slowly crawls up his arm as Peo panics. A wet space spreads out from his crotch area.)

Peo: Shit!

(the mirror crawls up his body and down his throat. Peo blacks out.)

(cut to the Power Plant)

(Peo wakes in his pod and looks around. Millions of pea-shaped pods stretch out as far as the eye can see. Each one holds a human. Around patrol many machines, monitors displaying pictures of Smith. One flies up to Peo and pulls the plug from his neck. Many other plugs snap out of his body. He slides through the tube and into a pool of water. A hovercraft appears and hauls him inside, where the rebels are waiting.)

Morphbus: Welcome to the real world.

Peo: You can keep it.

(he collapses backward and soon starts snoring. Finite kicks him.)


	4. Red Dresses in Paradise

**Chapter Four: Red Dresses in Paradise**

(Peo wakes in a bed to find Finite staring at him unnervingly. He is naked.)

Finite: You're awake.

Peo: Yes.

Finite: I'll get Morphbus.

(she leaves the small room and soon returns with Morphbus.)

Peo: Was it really necessary that I be naked for this?

Morphbus: Gopher thought so.

Peo: Oh, okay then.

Morphbus: Any, it is time for training to start. First a history lesson. Oh, and the tour thingy. That's always fun! (claps hands in excited fashion.)

Peo: Okay…

Morphbus: Anyway, this here is my ship, the _Nebizzle. _You already met all the crew except Crank. Let's meet him now.

(a man walks up to him).

Crank: Hey, I'm Crank.  
Peo: I know.

Crank: How?

Peo: It says so right before you speak.

Crank: Oh, right. 

Morphbus: Now that you've met Crank, let's tour the ship. Here it is (points around the ship).

(cut to the dining area)

Morphbus: This is the dining area, where everyday we eat our crap rationing.

Peo: Okay…

Morphbus: Never go in the fridge, that's where I keep my…stash.

Peo: Gotcha.

(cut to Core)

Morphbus: This is the Core, where we jack in to the Matrix from. Now come with me, it's time for history and training (leads Peo over to chair and straps him in).

Peo: This seems kinda quirky…

Morphbus: Crank, send us in.

Peo: In where?

(cut to Construct)

(Morphbus is sitting in a red armchair, wearing a perverted uniform. On a table beside him are many tools. Peo is strapped to a wooden plank wearing only a string thong.)

Morphbus: CRANK! WRONG PROGRAM! HAVE YOU BEEN INTO MY STASH AGAIN???

Crank: Sorry!

(the screen goes green, and Morphbus reappears in the armchair dressed in a black trenchcoat. Peo stands beside him wearing only a thong.)

Morphbus: Crank!

Crank: THAT'S THE OUTFIT PEO PICKED! DON'T BLAME ME!

Morphbus: Sorry.

Peo: Anyway, about that history lesson…

Morphbus: Right, sorry.

(a television appears in front of them. Morphbus turns it on, revealing a darkened and scorched land.)

Morphbus: You think it is the year 1999, but, as far as we know, it is closer 2099. At the turn of the century, man rejoiced, because we created AI.

Peo: Why would you want to _make _a lawyer? We had enough…

Morphbus: Anyway, this AI killed its master. IT was exterminated and started a war between the humans and the machines.

Peo: Who won?

Morphbus: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WON, DUMBASS?

Peo: Sorry.

Morphbus: Anyway, I do know it was us who scorched the sky. To cut off the sun. So the machines had no power. Can't seem to. Talk in full. Sentences. Help. Me.

(Peo smacks him)

Morphbus: Thank you. Now it is time for your training.

Peo: Wait! First you have to tell me about the Agents.

Morphbus: Huh?

(Morphbus looks through a script.)

Morphbus: Oh. The Agents are sentinel programs. They are incredibly fast and agile. I will not lie to you. Everyone who has fought an Agent has died. But, you can be faster than them.

Peo: What are you saying? That I can dodge bullets?

Morphbus: Yes.

(They suddenly appear on top of a building.)

Morphbus: Now, remember, the Matrix is not real. You can do things in it. That you normally. Couldn't. Damn. It. (smacks self) Like this!

(Morphbus takes a running start and leaps across the building gap.)

Peo: Whoa.

Morphbus: Don't you think that's kinda a loser reaction? Everyone else was impressed. Now you try. Free your mind.

Peo: Okay.

(Peo takes a running start towards the edge of the roof. His thong gets caught on a plank and rips off, making him stumble and fall, naked, from the roof.)

(cut to the _Nebizzle._)

Finite: OH GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE! CRANK, GET HIM SOME CLOTHES!

(Peo and Morphbus exit the Construct.)

Peo: Wow.

Morphbus: Get some rest. Tomorrow we start your training.

(the next day)

(Peo wakes up and walks into the cafeteria. In the room Morphbus is sitting on a stool, wearing a tank top and miniskirt, and painting his nails.)

Morphbus (singing): _And I will always love you!_

Peo: (coughs)

Morphbus: Shit! (falls off stool) DON'T TELL ANYONE!

Peo: Okay…

Morphbus: Training time!

(cut to the Core. Peo is on a chair, his eyes fluttering.)

Morphbus: How's he doing?

Crank: Well, he sure is manipulating the program.

(cut to the Construct.)

(Peo is wearing a thong again, and giving a lap dance to an Agent.)

Agent: OH GOD! I'll join your side! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!

(Morphbus enters the Construct.)

Morphbus: Sup.

Peo: I KNOW KUNG FU!

Morphbus: Show me.

(the two fight.)

Peo: Bah! I lose again.

Morphbus: Free your mind.

Peo: Okay. (hits Morphbus)

Morphbus: I didn't say go!

Peo: I freed my mind.

Morphbus: Morph angry! Morph smash!

Peo: AH! 

(the two chase each other around in a circle. A cattle prod appears in Morphbus's hand, and suddenly Peo is strapped back to a board.)

Peo: Crank loaded the wrong program again.

Morphbus: Oh no he didn't…

Peo: HELP!

Morphbus: No one can hear you, Peo…

Crank: Time to go see the Oracle, Morph. You can do the 'initiation' process later.

Morphbus: Okay. We're out of butt ice anyway.


	5. Oracle, Schmoracle

**Chapter Five: Oracle, Schmoracle**

(cut to the Matrix)

(The rebels begin filing out of a building. Morphbus is wearing a trenchcoat and glasses. Finite has on a cape and purple leather. Gopher is wearing a big sign that says "Kick Me." Bitch is wearing all white. Louse has on a gray suit. Peo is wearing a small red thong. Gopher starts painting a sign on the building it says "WE ARE COMING HERE, KISS. SIGNED: GOPHER.")

Morphbus: What are you doing, gee?

Gopher: Uh…

Peo: It's obvious. By writing this, Kiss will think we aren't here and are trying to trick him into thinking we are. Right?

Gopher (relieved): Yea, that's it…

(cut to a hallway.)

Morphbus: I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it yourself.

Peo: Why is that?

Morphbus: Well, the doorknob's broken on this side, and you kinda have to kick the door in to enter, and when I'm high I can't see well enough. So…

Peo: Right, right…

(Peo kicks the door in.)

Oracle (from kitchen): DAMN IT MORPHBUS! NOT AGAIN! I TOLD YOU, USE THE FUCKING DOORBELL!

Morphbus: Sorry!

(a lady walks out and leads Peo into a room.)

Lady: These are the other adepts. Wait here.

(a bald boy is bending a spoon with his hands. A girl is levitating blocks with her hands.)

Peo: Who wants to play cards?

(he begins teaching the spoon boy how to play poker.)

Peo: Let's make this more exciting. How about my hat against your spoon.

Boy: Do not try to win the spoon; only try to realize the truth.

(the boy bends the spoon and bends it back with his hands.)

Peo: Here, let me try.

(Peo takes the spoon and breaks it in half. The boy stares at him and then breaks into tears.)

Peo: BEYOTCH! 

(Peo throws a vase at him.)

Peo: He he!

(Peo takes the blocks from the girl and starts throwing them at her, and she runs into the kitchen. The Oracle and Bearaph enter)

Oracle: STOP, PEO! THOSE ARE MY KIDS, SHITFACE!

Bearaph: I can take you to the Oracle. But first, I must apologize.

Peo: For what?

Bearaph: For this.

(Bearaph starts fighting Peo; He is soon beating the crap out of him, literally. Peo's thong is stained brown.)

Oracle (walking in): BEARAPH! WRONG MOVIE, SHITHEAD!

Bearaph: Sorry.

(he leaves.)

Oracle: Come in. Have a…cookie. (she sniffs the air.) What smells like crap?

(Peo eats a brown wafer. The Oracle snickers.)

Oracle: Dumbass. Stick out your palms and open your mouth.

(when he does, Oracle gives him a French kiss.)

Oracle: He he! Works every time!

Peo: God dammit! Yuck!

Oracle: Anyway, don't worry about the vase.

Peo: What vase?

Oracle: The one you threw at my spoon kid, dumbass. God, you're annoying. I can't see why see likes you.

Peo: Who, Finite?

Oracle: No, Morphbus. We'll get to that later.

Peo: Okay. So, am I the One?

Oracle: No. And Gopher will betray you. And you will have to make a choice between your life and Morphbus's life. Oh, and Agent Kiss is gonna kill you. 

Peo: Is that all?

Oracle: No, actually. Morphbus is biologically a woman, and he has designs on you. He and Finite will get into a fight. And Bitch is gonna die. And Louse. And Sentinels are gonna come after you. And then the Merovingian. Don't forget about the Key Maker!

Peo: What the hell?

Oracle: Sorry, got ahead of myself. Enjoy the cookie, dipshit.

Peo: Bye…

(Peo walks out, past the bleeding boy. He grabs Peo's leg.)

Boy: Water, please…

Peo: Ew…

(Peo steps on the boy's hand.)

Morphbus: What was said was for you and you alone.

Peo: Good.

(Peo looks at Morphbus strangely and backs away.)

Morphbus: What smells?

Peo (nervously): I don't know. What did the Oracle tell you?

Morphbus: That my operation would be successful, and that I would find the one. Or she could have said 'be a bum.' I was high at the time. Anyway, time to go.

(the two walk down to the car and get in. They don't notice the Agents following them in a neon pink car.)

Finite: What smells?

Peo: Morphbus


	6. Gopher Throws the Switch

**Chapter Six: Gopher Throws the Switch**

(cut the building. The Rebels are making their way up a staircase. As Peo reaches a flight, he catches a glimpse of a naked Agent Smith flashing him. He looks back and sees him again.)

Peo: Whoa, deja vu. 

Finite: What did you say?

Peo: Déjà vu. You should get your ears checked-

Morphbus: What did you see?

Peo: I saw…a black cat walk by. A minute later, I saw it again.

Morphbus: Was it the same cat?

Peo: I think so.

Finite: Déjà vu is experienced when the machines make a change in the program.

Peo: Is that bad?

Finite: Maybe…

(cut to a room. Louse is sitting down in a chair. The wall across from him is painted with Agent Smith wearing a skimpy red dress. His phone rings.)

Louse: Hello?

Crank: GET OUT OF THERE!

Louse: Why?

Crank: Agents are coming!!!

Louse: Okay, okay…No need to get your panties in a bunch.

Crank (nervously): I DON'T WEAR PANTIES! HA HA! WHAT A JOKE! AS IN NOT TRUE! HA HA HA!

(Louse hangs up. He gets some guns and waits by the door.)

Louse: I'm going to make a completely useless and unheroic stand that saves no one and only kills one of the few rebels!

(the door bursts open. Louse fires, hitting a cop, and five other cops open fire on him. He dies.)

(cut to the Rebels, fleeing through the building.)

Peo: AGENTS!

(Peo stops and starts kicking and punching the air, screaming a battle cry.)

Finite: The Oracle must have given him a 'cookie.'

Morphbus: Come on, Peo.

Peo: AGENT!

(Peo shuts Bitch in the head.)

Peo: DIE SMITH!!!!

(Finite smacks herself in the forehead. She grabs Peo by the ear and drags him forward.)

Gopher: Let's get out of here!

Finite: That's _not _what we've been trying to do.

(the four Rebels run to a dead end.)

Morphbus: Where to!

Peo: How about we hide in the bathroom.

Morphbus: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

(they run into the bathroom. An old lady is inside. Finite shoots her.)

Finite: I wonder who that was. Heh…heh…

Morphbus: No time for questions now, Finite, get in my belly! I mean, the wall!

(a SWAT team guy comes in and looks at the wall. He spots Peo hiding behind the toilet. Suddenly, his body expands and he becomes Agent Kiss.)

Kiss: _Mister _Handerson…

Peo: MORPHBUS! SAVE ME! I AM THE ONE! THE ORACLE SAID SO! YOU MUST SACRIFICE YOURSELF!

(Morphbus jumps out of the wall and tackles Kiss. They begin fighting.)

Peo: Shit, let's get out of here.

(cut to the _Nebizzle._)

Crank: Hey, Gopher, how'd you get out so easily?

Gopher: It was just as if none of them wanted to shoot me.

Crank: Okay.

Gopher: Die, BEYOTCH!

(Gopher shoots him with a gun.)

Gopher: Now, instead of checking you to make sure you're dead, I will taunt Finite.

Crank: That's a bad idea.

Gopher: Shut up, bitch.


	7. Guns, Guns, Guns, and More Guns Did We M...

**Chapter Seven: Guns, Guns, Guns and More Guns. Did We Mention Guns?**

(cut to a room)

(Finite and Peo are standing in the room. The phone rings and Finite answers.)

Finite: Hello?

Gopher: Hello, Finite. If you have anything to say to Bitch, say it now.

Finite: She's already dead. Peo shot her.

Gopher: Why?

Finite: He was hallucinating! You were there!

Gopher: Oh, right. Better kill Peo then.

Finite: No! You can't do that! He's the One!

Gopher: You mean you believed Morphbus's bullshit? Look into those deep blue eyes of his, and tell me. Do you believe?

Finite: No.

Gopher: See?

(cut to the _Nebizzle_)

Crank: DIE SCUMBALL!

Gopher: SHIT!

(Peo and Finite exit the Matrix.)

Peo: Damn, poor Morphbus.

Finite: We have to go back and get him!

Peo: Why?

Finite: He means more than anything to me!

Peo: Okay, let's go…

(cut to the Construct)

Crank: What do you need?

Finite: Guns, lots of guns. And a Coke.

Peo: I'll have a Diet Pepsi.

(Finite's Coke appears in her hand. Shelves come zooming in from no where and one slams into Peo, hurling him backwards. A Diet Pepsi can falls onto his face and breaks, soaking him.)

Finite: Okay, let's go.

(cut to another room)

Kiss: Give me the access codes to the Lion mainframe! We have ways of making you talk!

Morphbus: Never!

Kiss: You made me do this!

(he takes out a magnifying glass and holds it up to the window. The sunlight streams in and hits Morphbus in the face.)

Morphbus: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(cut to lobby)

(Finite walks through the metal detector. It beeps. She shows the guard her "guns." As he's distracted, Peo clubs him in the head with a baseball bat.)

Peo: Sucka!

(Guards rush forward and begin firing on Peo and Finite. Peo starts dancing and waving his thong around. The guards scream and cover their eyes, falling to the ground. Finite shoots them.)

Peo: That was easy!

(the elevator beeps and twenty more guards come out.)

Peo: Damn.

(they all start shooting. Miraculously, not a bullet hits Peo or Finite as they lay waste to the security people. Peo takes a grazing shot on his thigh and it knocks his thong off. The guards start screaming and gouging out their eyes. Finite runs up a wall and shoots them. As they die, they yell out thanks.)

Peo: We win! Rebels, five. Machines, zero.

Finite: Did you forget the fact that they have Morphbus and have killed off most of our crew?

Peo: Right.

(they walk into an elevator and head towards the roof.)

(cut to the interrogation room)

Kiss: Leave me alone with him.

(Not Important and Slightly More Important but Still Not Important walk out. Kiss walks over and stands by the window.)

Kiss: Did you know the first Matrix we designed was a perfect world? There was no pain or death. It was designed so you humans would be happy. It was a disaster. Entire crops were lost.

Morphbus: Ha ha.

Kiss: SHUT UP! (shoots him in the foot)

Morphbus: OH CRAP!

(Kiss takes the thong radio out of his ear and walks over to Morphbus.)

Kiss: Give me the codes so I can get the hell out of the Matrix!

Morphbus: Never!

Kiss: You asked for it.

(cut to the lobby)

(the elevator explodes.)

(cut to the roof)

(Finite and Peo are running towards the door when Agent Slightly More Important but Still Not Important attacks them. Peo fires but Slightly More Important but Still Not Important dodges every bullet.)

Peo: Wow! You told me he would do that, yet I'm still shocked!

Finite: Shut up.

(Slightly More Important but Still Not Important fires at Peo. Peo dodges the first two bullets but the third a fourth ones graze him, knocking off his thong.)

Slightly More Important but Still Not Important: MY EYES! AIE! (starts clawing at his face.)

Finite: Dodge this! (shoots him.)

(cut to the room)

(the lights go off and the window shades come down. A disco ball lowers from the ceiling and starts flashing. Kiss walks over and stands in front of Morphbus.)

Kiss: Cue music!

Music: Bamp chicka bamp chicka womp wamp chicka…

(Kiss begins to dance. He drops his glasses on the floor. Slowly, he removed his suit and unbuttons his undershirt. He rips his jeans off, revealing a tan thong. He begins dancing up close to Morphbus's face.)

Morphbus: I'll…never…tell…

(Kiss moves up and rubs his thong against Morphbus's head. The sprinklers come on and Kiss's thong dissolve. Not Important and Slightly More Important but Still Not Important walk in.)

Slightly More Important but Still Not Important: What are you doing?

Kiss: Interrogation?


	8. A Crash Course in Helicopter Piloting

**Chapter Eight: A "Crash" Course in Helicopter Piloting**

(cut to the roof)

(Finite is standing over Peo, looking at a helicopter.)

Finite: Crank, I need a download on how to pilot a helicopter. (waits) Damn it, I said helicopter! Not ancient Egyptian sexual techniques! (waits) Thank you. Come on Peo.

(the two climb into the helicopter and lift off.)

(cut to the room)

(a helicopter appears hovering by the window.)

Kiss: Oh, shit!

(Peo opens fire, killing all three Agents but somehow miraculously missing Morphbus. Morphbus starts running towards the window.)

Peo: Go, Morphbus, go!

(Kiss comes in from a door and shoots Morphbus in the ankle. He stumbles.)

Finite: He's not going to make it!  
Peo: Oh well, we did our best. If at first…AH!

Finite: GET OUT THERE JACKASS!

(Finite pushes Peo out of the helicopter. Peo grabs Morphbus and Finite flies away. As the fly, a seagull hits them in the engine tank. The helicopter begins to fall.)

Peo: OH CRAP! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I TAKE THE BLUE PILL????

Morphbus: Have faith, Peo. (looks down) OH SHIT!

Finite: Sayonara, suckas!

(Finite jumps out of the plane, a parachute on her back. She takes out a tube of white powder, unscrews the cap, and takes a deep whiff.)

Finite: Oh, thank God that's over.

(the helicopter crashes into a building. Morphbus and Peo land nearby on the roof a conveniently placed building.)

Peo: Something's been bothering me.

Morphbus: What?

Peo: Well, if this world isn't real, why can't we fly and shit?

Morphbus: We can!

Peo: Really?

Morphbus: Yea! Here, let me show you! (pushes Peo off roof) Bitch.

(Peo is falling off the building.)

Peo: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Peo grabs a window ledge and swings into a female bathroom. Bitch is standing in there.)

Peo: I thought you were dead!

Bitch: Nope. See, I'm really a program! And now I have to kill you!

(Bitch kicks Peo through a stall door where an Old Lady is sitting. The Lady pounds Peo on the head with a handbag. Peo jumps over her and runs up the wall. Bitch grabs his leg, swings him around, and throws him through a wall. He tumbles down forty flights of stairs and ends up in a subway, bleeding badly. He sees Morphbus and Finite.)

Peo: Guys! Wait up!

Finite (whispering): Shit! Hurry up, Morphbus!

(Morphbus exits the Matrix.)

Peo: I call next!

Finite: Bitch. (exits Matrix)

Bitch (entering): Yes?

Peo: AUGH!

(Bitch shoots the phone, causing it to shatter. She runs at Peo. Peo sidesteps and she flies into the subway tunnel. She is soon run over by a train.)

Peo: That's a relief.

(there is a sucking sound and a crazy bum turns into Agent Kiss.)

Kiss: Mister Handerson. You have caused me a great deal of trouble!

Peo: Good! I kill you now!

(They leap at each other firing guns. Time seems to slow down.)

Larry Wachowski: ANDY! STOP MESSING WITH THE TIME GAUGE!

Andy Wachowski: But Larry! Mom told you to share!!

Larry Wachowski: Yea, well, Mom's dead now, isn't she! Let go!

(there is a smacking sound and time returns to normal. The two end up with guns pointed at each other.)

Peo: You're empty.

Kiss: You too.

Peo: Psych! (shoots him) Whew! Now to get the hell out of here! Crank! Where's an exit?

Finite (deep voice): Um…sorry Peo, there aren't any.

Peo: Crank?

Crank (muffled): Gmbgh! Helgh methes!

Peo: Huh?

Finite: Bye!

Kiss: Mister Handerson!

Peo: Why the hell do you say that _every damn time? God!_

Kiss: It's Andy's fault. He wrote me!

Peo: Come on, time for a fight scene!

(They fight. Kiss grabs Peo and throws him onto the train tracks.)

Kiss: Sucka!

Peo: TAKE THIS! (rips off thong)

Kiss: MY EYES! (stumbles backwards)

(Peo leaps out of the tracks as a train hits Kiss. Kiss exits the subway.)

Peo: OH SHIT! THAT'S ONLY HAPPENED FIFTY TIMES BEFORE! DAMN! I DIDN'T EXPECT IT!

Kiss: DIE BEYOTCH!!!!

(Peo runs out of the subway. He climbs an apartment building, which turns out to be his. He races through it, stopping only to shoot his landlord.)

Peo: Bitch.

Bitch: Yes?

Peo (jumps): Goddam it! How do you keep doing that?

Bitch: (shrugs) I dunno.

Peo: Finite is coming! Stand right here by the door!

Bitch: Okay, thanks!

(Peo continues running. Kiss bursts through the door and kills Bitch. He chases Peo through the building. Not Important and Slightly More Important but Still Not Important appear at the end of the hallway. Peo hears a phone ringing, dashes into a room, and answers it.)

Peo: NO! WRONG MOVIE! (hangs up)

Kiss: I told you I'd be back!

Peo: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	9. System Failure

**Chapter Nine: System Failure**

(cut to the _Nebizzle)_

Crank (through door): Captain! Squiddes are coming, but Peo's still inside the Matrix!

Morphbus: Use the EMP! 

Crank: It will kill Peo!

Morphbus: So? Just do it!

Crank: Okay…

(cut to Matrix)

(Kiss steps across the threshold off the house. He takes his glasses off his eyes and hangs them from his neck collar. His lips form the words "Damn, I'm sexy." Peo makes a disgusted face.)

Kiss: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mister Handerson.

Peo: Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to enjoy watching your mom die!

Kiss: Agents don't have parents, dumbass.

Peo: OH YEAH??? WELL, YOUR MOM DOESN'T HAVE PARENTS!!!

Kiss (slaps forehead): I was going to enjoy watching you die, now I'm going to relish it. Goodbye, Mister Handerson.

Peo (pointing): Look! An eagle!

Kiss (turning): Where?

(Peo takes off down the hallway. Kiss fires at him many times but misses. His gun seems to have limitless ammo. Peo rounds a corner and takes of down a hall. He hears a phone ringing inside a room and answers it.)

Crank: Hey, Peo, hurry up and get to a phone. Squiddes are coming and Morphbus is about to pull the EMP!

Peo: I am at a phone.

Crank: Oh. Hang up and I'll call with the exit thingy.

Peo: Okay.

(Kiss bursts in through the door and shoots Peo three times in the chest. Peo falls to the floor.)

(cut to the _Nebizzle_)

Crank: NO!

Morphbus: YES! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE ARCHITECHT!

Finite: He can't be dead…

Morphbus: Why the hell not?

Finite: The Oracle told me I would hate a man and he would be the One.

Morphbus: And do you hate him?

Finite (sarcastically): You think?

Morphbus: Damn!

Crank: Captain?

Morphbus: What?

Crank: The Sentinels…

Morphbus: Right. Get ready to pull the EMP…

(cut to the Matrix)

Kiss: Check him.

Not Important: He's gone.

(the Agents turn and begin to walk away. Peo opens his eyes and looks at them. He stands up.)

Peo: That was close!

Kiss: Shit!

(the Agents all begin firing. Peo holds up his hand and displays his big magnet. The magnet pulls in the bullets. He looks around and runs at Kiss, leaping at him and knocking him over.)

Peo: DIE BITCH!!!

Kiss: What the hell?

(Peo shoots him in the head. The other two Agents stand and watch.)

Not Important: Yes! Now I am important! Just one last thing… (shoots Slightly More Important but Still Not Important, then runs.)

(the phone rings and Peo answers.)

(cut to the _Nebizzle_)

(Morphbus breaks free of Crank's hold and pulls the EMP. He sees Peo get up.)

Morphbus: Damn…

(cut to a code screen)

(the screen shows the tracing phone call program again.)

Peo: I know you're out there. I'm going to show you something you don't like…

(the screen reads "System Failure." Soon, a naked Smith pops up on the screen. It quickly switches to a naked Peo.)

Peo: Bye…

(a hook from a crank comes down and lifts him off. He holds his hands out and makes a whooshing sound. His head bangs into a streetlight.)

Peo: Ow!

(he begins flying on his own. He soars into the sky and passes a plane. He begins to struggle and is suddenly sucked inside the plane's engine. The plane explodes.)

*************************************************************

I know, I know, a short final chapter. I didn't really leave myself enough material. Whatever.

So what did you think? Love it? hate it? Neither? Write and tell me. I was planning on parodies of Reloaded and Revolutions, but I'm not so sure if it's worth it.

But I'm glad, for I know I have touched some people, and their dreams will be forever filled with strip dancing Agents, naked Smith, Neo in a thong, and Morpheus singing will doing nails.

_I will always love you..._


End file.
